Jim Frankenfield
==> 2002 in Review <==
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Best Wishes for 2003, friends and family!
Here is my review of 2002 -
"For better or worse he sees inside the blackness of those silhouettes searching for the soul of a nation, united only in its desire to seek individuality in a melting pot"
Ralph Steadman in the introduction to "Songs of the Doomed" by Hunter S Thompson
Introduction
This years letter took a long time to compose. I could have just summed up all the positive and great things from the past year and been done with it, I suppose. But unlike the all-too-true comic above I hope I've been deeper and more honest, sharing not only a cursory good-side summary but a broader picture of the events, thoughts and quests for meaning of 2002. It has been a year punctuated by both good and bad, hope and frustration. This is the essence of life and despite the occasional moments of sadness and despair I wouldn't have it any other way. There is a mental health facility called "Serenity Lane" which advertises as if an entirely serene life is good - or even a life at all! (In the words of Homer Simpson, Boooring!)
I don't know how many people will bother to read or reflect on this but in part it is my own opportunity to reflect back on the year and try to make some sense of, and come to terms with, the things which have occurred.
Anyone who cannot come to terms with his life while he is alive needs one hand to ward off a little his despair over his fate . . . but with his other hand he can note down what he sees among the ruins.
Quick Background / Info
One question that always comes up is "where do you live?" (Of course my favorite answer is that it depends who's asking 
)
I've always been reluctant to admit it but for the most part I work from an office in Corvallis, Oregon. Which is a dark, wet and dreary place with somewhat lengthy access to the mountains. But it could be worse, I always tell myself. Moving takes more motivation and resources than I've had since I came here. In the end I travel extensively anyway, making the whole issue somewhat moot. This is why I continue to use my Utah address. The folks there can get my mail to me anywhere I go. And the past year has seen several trips to British Columbia, three trips to the eastern US, and one trip to Germany and Austria. And many others as well.
"The more precisely the POSITION is determined, the less precisely the MOMENTUM is known" [And vice versa]
Summary
Some themes, inspirations and discoveries of mine from 2002 -
Shape - The Circle 
It seems that a number of things have come around in a circle (or near circle) over the course of the year. This purest of geometrical shapes seems to be important in life as well as mathematics.
Trip - Backcountry Skiing at Fairy Meadows
We finally hit a spell of clear, cold weather and stable fresh snow on one of my annual trips. Fantastic skiing and views.
Best Book read - "The Crying of Lot 49" 
Having read "Vineland" I picked this Thomas Pynchon book up at the Munich bahnhof. Upon the first reading it seemed to uncannily describe a lot of what had happened recently regarding my friend Kerry, as well as post-war America in general. Now on my third reading of it I'm only beginning to appreciate the potential allusions and implications contained below the surface. Highly recommended on both a quick, amusing reading level as well as on a deeper thought-provoking level.
People of the Year -
I don't know. Certainly not George W and company. Perhaps those academics who surrounded Kerry at work and at home, for demonstrating just how lacking many academic researchers are in life skills and how callous and self-centered they can be. Like Pynchon's book there is a certain superficial level on which this is obvious, and a deeper level which most of us would never imagine.
Question of the Year - "Are we a nation of gun nuts, or are we just nuts?" 
From the poster for "Bowling for Columbine". Perhaps we are, collectively, just plain nuts. With a strong and persistent streak of paranoia as well.
Year in Review
So here is a brief review of my 2002 -
First, to understand the one set of events which ran through the year like a thread in the sheath of a rope it is necessary to go back to the end of 2001 and see how this thread was stitched into 2002. For the second half of 2001 I was very, very close to a woman named Kerry. She is a science postdoc, grew up in Zimbabwe, and studied at Rhodes. When we met we immediately shared a great passion for the outdoors as well as many opinions and viewpoints. If 2001 was the year of Adventures with Kerry 2002 became the year of misadventures related to her.
One reason this has been difficult to write and taken a lot of time has been that it has been a challenge to strike a balance concerning how much to say about events surrounding Kerry as they impacted me. On one hand some of it may appear to be the personal business of other people, but on the other hand I was dragged into something that brought the police to my door on one occasion and saw me threatened with violence in a local bar later. Actions are no longer personal when they have this affect on others. As I write this in early 2003 it seems there was probably a whole lot more behind all of this than I will ever know, but the parts of it which played a role in my life are partially reflected here. The whole situation was a dominant theme throughout the year, and it was not transparent in my writings and discussions . Particularly during the second half of the year. I want to share enough to give friends who are wondering what in the world was going on at least a bit of an idea. In the end I hold nothing that happened against Kerry, who was a victim of many bad attitudes and behaviors on the part of other people.
"The Edge . . . There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
"Songs of the Doomed" by Hunter S Thompson
The whole set of problems which revolved around Kerry was also a big part of my life in terms of issues which I gave a great deal of thought to and came to realize the importance of. I left science as a profession myself about 10 years ago because of the destruction I saw it having on so many lives. But this was a much closer look at just how bad things really can be. It certainly validated my own decision, even if I never did feel the need for such validation. It also made me realize just how deeply "women's issues" run. We can pass legislation and talk about policies but women (and minorities as well) will never have equal opportunities until they are truly seen and treated as equals and with respect. This is clearly not the case in academia, nor in many other realms. The first step to change is wider awareness among all of us, and I was certainly enlightened this year.
Overview
Family and friends issues were mixed, with good and bad. In May my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary with a very nice party arranged by my sister-in-law and brother. But later, in July, my father had a stroke. This was a significant event for all of us to deal with but the outcome has been good and before very long he had regained most of the abilities needed to live a normal life at home again. I also lost a few acquaintances and friends over the year. One to a car accident and a couple of OSU students I knew to an accident on Mt Rainier. These people were not among my closest of friends but I did find both situations to be somewhat difficult. And although many details will be left out, the year was permeated by watching helplessly as Kerry sunk into what I have always called "postdoc hell". In the end things came around in a bit of a circle.
I never feel like I've done as much climbing and skiing as I should have, but I suppose I do a lot more than most people get to. This was a year with many personal disruptions as well as some work related demands, but I still got out quite a bit. In some cases trips became more of a retreat than an adventure, but the time away from home and in the mountains was therapeutic.
Work continues to go well and is very successful by any measure other than money, which has never been much of a measure for me. The Avalanche Center is holding its own, which is pretty good given that it's a non-profit internet project in a difficult economy and a dot-com collapse. I took on an interesting consulting job, calculating the expected impacts from two avalanche paths at a building site so that the structure can be suitably reinforced. This was one of a number of developments which encouraged a new technical business I've named AlpenPro. And I continue to mountain guide. Given the lack of a framework for independent guiding in the US this remains a challenge from a business perspective, but it is work I enjoy. Between these various activities I somehow manage to make a living while maintaining a high degree of autonomy, which I have always placed a premium on.
"You call us the privileged few...
If you think what we do isn't working...
Then you don't understand what we do ...We picked out a life that's a gamble...
We gave up the nine to five..."John Mayall Band - New Year, New Band, New Company
The year itself seems to me to be best broken down into three parts ...
Part I, January into May
The year began with a very sad piece of news. A friend in Corvallis, Peg, had signed up in the fall for my spring skiing trip. While I had not seen her in a while we had dated some time ago, and she was the first and most enthusiastic skier to sign up for the trip. When I never heard anything about her final payment I called her home and was informed that she had died in a car accident . I've been lucky, especially as a climber, not to have lost many friends and this came as quite a shock. A reminder to make the most of the time we have since the future is never certain.
"The past is Nothing, The Future is Uncertain, The Present is Unstable ...
Beware you do not lose the latter, which is yours"Sundial inscription (1731) - Prinsenhoftuin, Groningen, Netherlands
In early February I went to the Sierra for a week. I stayed at the Thunderbird
Lodge as a guest of the director, my friend Phil Caterino. This was
the first time I had ever spent around Lake Tahoe and the skiing was great,
the Lake was beautiful, and the lodge is incredible. I had the old caretakers
cabin all to myself, just above the shoreline of the lake. The history
of the lodge is as magnificent as the grounds are and revolves around
a wealthy businessman from San Francisco who had Great-Gatsby-like
parties and owned a pet lion and an elephant. 
After being home a couple weeks and helping teach some introductory backcountry skiing I was off for Canada, where I skied near Golden and participated in an ACC ice climbing camp. I had hoped the "camp" would help me get back onto waterfall ice, which I hadn't done in a while. (With a group there are plenty of partners, and there is always more to be learned from guides who specialize in certain forms of climbing.) The climbing was ok but the time and money could have been better spent.
After another spell in Oregon I went back to Canada for the annual spring ski trip. Actually, I had left my truck in Spokane and flown back to Oregon to reduce the amount of long driving. (I had an extra old truck in Corvallis to get around locally in.) The trip to Fairy Meadows was excellent with great conditions after the first day or two. At the end of the week my friend Iain and I skied over to another hut, the Great Cairn, in a long day of mountaineering. One of my pleasures on such trips is reading, something I have little time for at home. The Alpine Club huts have varied, and often eclectic, collections of reading material and I can always count on finding something interesting. At Fairy Meadows there was a copy of "The Stranger" by Camus, which I transported to Great Cairn to finish. We had a day to kill at Great Cairn, and when the weather changed it turned into two days before Alpine Helicopters could get us. So there I found a collection of Greek Tragedies, which were almost a foreshadowing to the fictitious "Couriers Revenge" within Pynchons "Lot 49".
We were picked up from Great Cairn on one of the helicopters shuttles to Fairy Meadows at the close of the trip. Several years ago these were the first destinations I had ever organized trips to, so over several years things had come around in a near-circle and we were back. It was also a return to the type of reading I enjoyed in high school and college.
"He who climbs upon the highest mountains laughs at all tragedies, real or imaginary."
At this point I would have been happy to meander back to Oregon and ski along the way, and then to be home for a while. But before I could call the travels done I had a special short trip back to Philadelphia (where I grew up) for my parents 50th anniversary party. My sister-in-law and brother had done a tremendous job of organizing a party of family and friends which included many people we had not seen in years. It could have easily been an annoyance given all my other travel and my desire to spend time at home but it turned out to be one of the most enjoyable trips east I've ever made.
Between these trips I continued to spend time with Kerry when she could spare it. Her work, and the personal problems of her colleagues, were increasingly overwhelming her. While she was able to share dinner on some nights she never once had time to go out and ski - a very marked change from when we had met and she could never seem to wait for the next outing. And while it typically took her until 7-8 pm to free herself from work she often had to return at 10 or 11 at night to set up an experiment. It was becoming clear that she saw her 'friend' and fellow-postdoc Patti as being highly successful and advancing while she felt stagnated. Which she attempted to address by working harder and harder, as postdocs tend to do. She missed a very important conference because Patty and her boss Bill were both away, leaving Kerry to teach his courses. To some extent I regret being out of town as much as I was, but given the things that came to light later (and which explain much of the above) I can see it would not have mattered and would only have left me sitting around in frustration.
We did go to Willamette Pass to ski once. She was so worn out from work she spent the day sleeping in the car and took only a couple runs on my pass in the late afternoon. Months later she would say that she still felt that she was paying a price at work for this trip - the only thing she had done since December. She was finally realizing the life of an academic postdoc, and the happy, enthusiastic, self-confident woman I had known was pretty much gone by now. I had seen this happen to many academic postdocs in the past, but never to anyone I was close to nor ever with such an inside view.
The full nature of the problems she was confronting with work, as well as their underlying causes, would soon become evident. But until they did I couldn't begin to appreciate what was going on, let alone where things would ultimately go.
"And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you."
Part II, May into October
Usually in May and June the weather in Oregon gets better and the trailheads thaw out, making it a great time for skiing on the high remote wilderness peaks. I did get out a bit, including a climb/ski of Diamond Peak with my friend Robert from Austria and a ski ascent of South Sister with my friend Iain.
But May and June were when things really fell apart with Kerry. Ultimately, following a research trip to Papua New Guinea, this would lead to her entwinement with her housemate Brian. Who, as it turns out, has a dubious reputation and some questionable events surrounding him. (Another OSU scientist, a PhD student at the Linus Pauling Institute. What an honor their students are to that Nobel prize winner!) At that point things would go downhill dramatically for everyone involved.
In May some students from the climbing club at OSU made their annual pilgrimage to Mt Rainier to try the rather difficult Liberty Ridge route. This has become a tradition in recent years and always seems to occur on Memorial Day weekend, regardless of (and with no regard for) the weather. I had said at least once that this was a major accident waiting to happen, and OSU offers no guidance or advising to this enthusiastic but inexperienced group of kids. This year they climbed the route to the top, despite every other group turning back. The route is in a weather shadow but when they reached the summit they were exposed to the full forces of a storm off the pacific. Three died, one miraculously stumbled down a glacier alone in his boot liners in search of help and survived. I knew the survivor and had climbed with him once or twice. One of the young women who died had taken a mountaineering class I was involved with only a year earlier. Their deaths still shake me. They were young and enthusiastic and were victims of a bad choice - something many of us often make at that point in our lives. 
"Man may be doomed to loss, sorrow, and desolation, but if he tries his strength and will, however briefly, upon the indifferent vast hostility of the elements, he rages against futility and asserts his right of being"
Jim Perrin, On & Off the Rocks
Kerry returned from her trip and I told her the news. She had also known Keeta. But on the whole she seemed upbeat, partly because she had actually been able to speak with her boss Bill. It seems the only way to get time with her mentor, short of an affair, was to be seated next to him on a flight. The absence of Patty from this trip helped. Unfortunately, things did not work out well from then on. She immediately became bogged down advising a finishing masters student. (With three postdocs and half a dozen students her boss can't even begin to do any of the mentoring or advising himself.) Following that she totally lost it after a very uncharacteristic night of drinking with her housemate, Brian.
She was torn apart by many things at this point. I have never really heard the full truth about anything from that point on, although parts of it have been exposed after the fact. She came to me in distress, and over the next three weeks we had many discussions. One thing that came to light was that her boss and her "friend" Patti had been having an affair since the previous research trip almost a year ago. Were this outside the working environment it wouldn't be anyone's business, but it explains why Kerry missed the most important conference in her field as well as the reason Patty seemed to excel and went to all the meetings with Bill. While Kerry could barely get the time of day from him. Patty has her own funding and costs Bill nothing, leading to jokes among some friends about an NIH funded escort. 
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day
to your spouse, your child and your parents
but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse,
your hairdresser, or your tennis instructor.
[Or your students, postdocs or colleagues!]New Years Greeting circulated via e-mail
[ Has Jerry Springer ever had a show on academic researchers? I've wondered more than once. I'm tempted to call their number and suggest it. I can see it now - the Springer Cam goes to Papua New Guinea to take footage which is shown to partners later on the set! Who will cheat with who, who will lose it and go nuts, who ... Or maybe its the next FOX reality show. 
]
[This is relevant as background to what would follow for me, including a visit from the police and being physically threatened by Brian. Six months later nothing has really been done about some of the underlying issues and the whole matter has been swept under the carpet. Despite obvious effects on those facing a work environment which is inherently "tenuous" to begin with, in the words of one top NIH official I anonymously spoke with.]
Somewhere during this time frame Kerry began to get phone calls late at night from pay phones. At least it seemed to be assumed by everyone that they were targeted at her, one of several assumptions which is now subject to a great deal of doubt. I offered an old answering machine to prevent the endless ringing in the middle of the night but was never taken up on it. Strange thing, how this phone in Brian's house never had an answering machine. Was somebody hiding something? Who knows.
It also seems, I've learned later, that Brian received e-mails which he took as death threats. I have no idea if they were intended as such but apparently he had reasons to take them that way. This just added to the list of things blamed on me, as far as I can tell. But maybe it was related to whatever was behind him keeping large sums of cash in a drawer. Who really knows? (This had come to light much earlier when a worker doing house repairs stole an amount on the order of a thousand dollars or more from his drawer. It hadn't seemed relevant to anything at the time.)
But to return to other things ...
In another very positive development of 2002 I had picked up some technical consulting work, to calculate the design parameter for a home being built in an avalanche runout zone in California. Homes exist there already but the county is now requiring new builders to incorporate some mitigation into their design. So my role was to estimate the potential velocities and impacts from a once-in-a-hundred- year avalanche. While it took many years it seems that I have again come around a near-circle and begun to use my engineering and physics background again. In order to (hopefully) accommodate future projects like this I have set up a new business name and website as AlpenPro.
When this work had first arisen, I can't recall. (A phrase which always immediately brings to mind the Iran-Contra hearings as well as other government testimonies! ). But I needed to plan a trip to the Bishop area in the Eastern Sierra. I flew to Reno via San Francisco and booked the same flight to San Francisco which Kerry was on enroute to Calgary to visit relatives. She arrived very late and very distraught at the airport motel, apparently due to an issue which flared up between Brian, Kerry, and a woman down the street who had lived in the same house previously (and had some involvement with Brian). Kerry was clearly shaken up and had decided to move out but was talked into staying. This event would have raised a lot of questions later had anyone paid attention to it, and it foreshadowed a reputation I would learn of later. This was also not the first time she thought about moving, which would have
prevented a lot of what followed for all of us had she trusted her intuition.
In Bishop I met with Inyo County officials about their new zoning requirements. And with the people building, and with locally knowledgeable avalanche people. I also had to go inspect the site and did a full survey of the smaller of the two avalanche paths. While no more firm business has come of this yet the county seemed duly impressed and has given my business card to others considering building there.
On Friday I was out in the field for a long day doing a survey of the shorter path. When I descended to the July heat of the Owens Valley I had a phone message and an e-mail that my father had suffered a stroke a couple days earlier. Fortunately he had already made excellent progress recovering and I was able to speak with him a little bit. My mother knew my consulting was at an important point and that the stroke was not be fatal and waited to call for those reasons. If I had called any sooner my fathers speech would still have been too poor for a conversation anyway. (To jump ahead, he is largely recovered by now. While there are always lasting effects his are not debilitating, and many younger victims have been left with more lingering effects than he has. We all feel very fortunate. The concerns, good wishes and prayers of my friends and of friends of our family are very much appreciated. )
I immediately scheduled a flight to Philadelphia within a week or two. Kerry was also going to New Jersey for a conference and I had mentioned the possibility of meeting in New York or Phila to see some things. I also set up a chance for her to meet with a family friend who is a highly successful chemist in the pharmaceutical industry (which is her field), and she made plans to do that.
Then everything really went nuts. During her four days in Corvallis between trips Kerry ended up finally leveling with me (in part, anyway) about she and Brian. The night before that she had a flat tire outside work. The next night something else happened and there was a call from her on my caller ID while I was out. The next morning I got a frantic e-mail from her that there had been a "serious" event the night before and something else in the morning, both of which the police were called for, and that I should not contact her at all by any means. I learned more recently that there was a second flat tire and that her colleagues were quick to blame this on me and to begin suggesting she get a restraining order. I've also found that to this day they do not all know about the whole involvement of Brian in her life.
I went off to New York and Philadelphia and spent time with my father, who was at home by now. She went off to her conference, ultimately canceling the appointment I had helped her set up with our chemist friend in hopes that she would not only get some career guidance but also see somebody who had a happy and functional life outside the lab. Despite omitting a great deal you may begin to imagine how stressful all this was for me at this point. Throughout all that happened I realized how fortunate I am to have so many good friends I could talk to or just spend time with. In New York a good friend from college made time, as usual, to go out and about in Manhattan until the wee hours of the morning.
After returning I was in and out of town a lot, mostly leading climbs and doing some local guiding. On one of the days I was home I was called by a Corvallis detective who wanted to speak right away. I told him to come on over, of course. It seems the phone calls had continued, and I assume there was still no answering machine. And a pizza had been ordered for them late at night, etc. Pranks - probably along the same lines of whatever the woman down the street had done before our one flight together earlier in the summer. The detective was clearly accusing me of harassing Kerry, in no uncertain terms. He spoke, I mostly listened, and he had no interest in hearing any of the prior history or related events.
There were two bothersome things about this visit. One was that he had never met Kerry in person but was calling from the direction of her house. Later she mentioned she was surprised that the police had come. I've wondered all along who really sent them. Brian has recently been described to me as a "clever" person. Not "intelligent' or "bright" (although he may be), but "clever" like Wily coyote. Did he send the police after me and do it Kerry's name, keeping his off the books? Maybe, maybe not.
The second thing was more general - one of a number of things which I've ended up thinking about as a result of all this. The officer stressed that everything between Kerry and I was over (duh!) and then said that while he was sure she was beautiful there were many other attractive woman in Corvallis and I should go find a new one. As if a womans value lies solely in her physical beauty, and that one can be interchanged for another. I suddenly realized how chauvinistic our society really is. Her boss had no regard for the colleague he slept with, who was in the midst of her own divorce; for Kerry; or even for his own wife and kids. The policeman saw all woman as interchangeable as long as they are sufficiently attractive. And Brian, it turns out, has a reputation for having "played" many woman - often simultaneously. This level of chauvinism in male-dominated professions such as policing and research science is really one of the things Kerry was victim to, and it is deeply troubling simply on its own merits as an issue. Only true respect and understanding can change our society, laws and policies never will. We all need to try hard to do better on this matter, I think.
"Money and Authority; Have their own way of talking;
When it comes to the man; vs what the woman said"John Trudell - "Shadow Over Sisterland"
So after this I was away a lot. For a week or so I was home a couple days but mostly out in the mountains guiding or just climbing. Then I left for a month, during which I was only home once for about two days. This ran into mid-October. I was in the Tetons for a while, although I was so exhausted by all of this that I only took a couple short day hikes the first couple days, then had to wait out a couple days of weather. In the end I did manage a climb of Teewinot - not very difficult technically but a classic route which I should have done by now given how many times I've been to the range. But the mountains have always been more than a collection of technical challenges to me, they have often served as a refuge where I can simply rest and enjoy nature.
I was home for about two days before leaving for an avalanche conference in BC, with some guiding in Washington enroute. I felt very uncomfortable at home, just wondering what was going on and whether the police would show up out of nowhere to accuse me of more nonsense or even arrest me for something. There were no grounds for either and I never did hear from them again, but the police have been known to do things with little or no grounds and thus I was left to worry about it.
And now for something really weird ...
It turns out that things did continue and that I continued to be blamed for them, without knowing even what was going on. I learned later that somebody had mailed Brian some "roadkill" from Hood River , which is where Brian is from. (This shut the PO down and never got delivered.) I'm not sure whether this is sick, humourous, or creative. A combination I suppose. But I mailed a newsletter from Wyoming a few days later and this was grounds for some to assume I had been in Hood River -?. Most of Oregon, all of Idaho and part of Wyoming separate the two locations. I hope these people draw their scientific conclusions from better data than they do their personal conclusions.
In Canada the avalanche meetings went well. It was a chance to discuss aspects of my consulting job with some of my most highly respected and experienced colleagues in the field, as well as to see many friends and meet some new folks. I also had a chance to visit good friends in Vernon who had met Kerry and enjoyed her immensely. This gave me the opportunity to talk about the whole thing, and also to relax in a family environment and enjoy time with their two children.
Part III, October into 2003
After returning from Canada things seemed pretty quiet for a while. I was planning to go to Europe in mid-November and only had three weeks to try to get the Avalanche Center into shape for the winter, line up my courses across the country, and keep up with everything else. I led a couple climbs with the OMA and guided one or two climbs. In the end I climbed one local mountain three or four times this summer, which was enough to grow tired of the hike into it. I can't imagine "guiding" for one of these corporations which leads people up and down the same boot-track day in and day out!
At some point in here I went into Squirrels tavern for a pint, despite it being a bit crowded with a band. When I turned around from the bar there was a guy standing there staring at me who introduced himself as Brian. He ranted at me aggressively and actually threatened to start a fight right there in the crowded bar. I went to the far end to enjoy my pint and go home and he came over again. While he has a reputation for drinking in excess his demeanor was not that of a drunk but very much more aggressive, more typical of the influence of other substances. It was more than a little bit unnerving.
After that, as the end of the year approached, things did improve. Although there has continued to be much to think about after all that I witnessed and became part of.
In mid-November I went to Germany and Austria for almost two weeks, staying in Philadelphia for a week on my way back. The trip to Germany started out as a whim just to take advantage of a very cheap fare. In the end it was a combination of hiking and skiing, visiting friends and colleagues, and a bit of business. Or potential future business anyway. I flew to Munich, for which there was a cheap fare from Philadelphia
I was based in Munich at the start and end and had a chance to meet a new friend I'd met online through the avalanche center work. Luidger is a PhD law student in Munich with a strong interest in avalanches (bourne of a personal experience) and in risk management. We had a chance to go drink beer at a Brauhaus 
, which is a lot more fun with a friend than alone. I visited Robert, my sometimes skiing partner in Oregon for a while, at his home in Salzberg and we sampled the local Brauhaus there as well. I went for some nice short hikes in Salzberg state and at the base of the impressive Totes Gebirge range. I spent a day skiing up at the higher elevations in the Stubai alps near Innsbruck, and stayed the night in the winter room of a hut there. In Innsbruck I learned of a new avalanche mitigation product which I may be interested in representing in North America in the future, and in Munich I met with a rescue helicopter pilot about a new idea he has related to avalanche control. So, many good things came of the trip.
I also found myself thinking a lot about America this year. Kerry came to the US on a special visa, one which did not permit her to move labs, universities or jobs even if she wanted to. Unless somebody else went through the hoops to get her a new visa. Given that we have a serious over-production of science PhD's in this country I have to ask why we bring people here. I'd like to think that it is in the interest of exchange and progress and that we bring the best and brightest. However, given the treatment I've observed and the restrictive visa these highly educated professionals get it seems to me that they are simply indentured labor. They are certainly not treated as the best and brightest should be treated. And then we have the potential war in Iraq and the whole idea of pre-emptive acts. This should have all Americans asking ourselves who we are and what we are about.
Thus the trip to Germany and then the time in Philadelphia was a chance to reflect on a lot of this. The rebuilding of Europe by the Europeans was something we helped make possible. Our assistance and our presence over 50 or more years helped creat the climate that allowed Europe to realize its potential. Will we do the same in the middle east? (George W says we will stay for 18 months! 18 months after WWII who would have even foreseen a common economic community?) At a small protest in Munich there was a banner against American Imperialism. Germans exercising their free speech rights to question our actions (which are deserving of it) is something interesting to ponder. I think in the end I find both some pride and some embarrassment in it.
On the way back I spent Thanksgiving in Philadelphia. In a continuation of my ponderings in Europe I spent time listening to my fathers stories of his experiences as a POW in Germany in more detail than I had ever heard before. These are valuable stories, and those in a position to tell them are dwindling in number. I hope we can listen before we forget our history and heritage.
"The stories I tell don't just come out of my own life. Many of them come to me from my elders. I strained to hear them through the roar of my own ego, my own needs and desires. But when I became quiet and open to the thoughts and feelings of my elders, I learned that my life-story deepens, grows richer, by taking in the stories of those who have led extraordinary lives, lives that can never be lived again. Except in memory - through mine, through yours - as the fragments of our story - lives mix and blend into a common whole, the great river of our collective memory of which we are all a part and into which each one of us will, some day, dissolve, Sing your song. Dance your dance. Tell your story. I'll listen, and remember..."
And the final issues related to Kerry, at least for 2002 ...
Somewhere late in the year I received a phone message and e-mail from Kerry and we were able to communicate at least a little bit. In the end I've also learned a bit about opinions, omissions, and reputations from friends in or close to the OSU academic world.
Her initial contact still sounded very stressed and panicked. I learned that at some point she had become physically afraid of seeing me, I suppose after everyone else kept telling her that I had to be responsible for everything that happened. From another source I also learned that many of these people were unaware of her involvement with Brian and therefore were not only making conclusions but giving advice based on a very, very incomplete picture. She outlined what had happened (although she later indicated there was more than I've been told so far), and told me that everyone had blamed me and even urged her repeatedly to get a restraining order. That would have been very interesting, as I would not have hesitated to call any or all of the parties involved into any court hearing. This apparently did not occur to any of them. It has occurred to me that it would quite possibly have been the only way, to this day, to be sure that everyone had a complete picture of what was going on. Not being a Chemist I wouldn't presume to advise her on matters of chemistry. I fail to see why colleagues with such totally dysfunctional personal lives of their own would advise her on personal matters.
One of her later communications indicated that she had been gone on a trip and had somebody else tell her what went on at her house with Brian while she was away. She won't say what it was that did go on but it was enough for her to finally move out without delay and never go back. Apparently she began to regain the 15 lbs she had lost (and she was slim to begin with), everything began to improve, and the previous problems more or less ended. Thus it appears now that this was the real source of trouble all along.
"She had dedicated herself, weeks ago, to making sense of what Inverarity had left behind, never suspecting that the legacy was America" ... "Either Oedipa in the orbiting ecstasy of a true paranoia, or a real Tristero. For there either was some Tristero beyond the appearance of the legacy America, or there was just America and if there was just America then it seemed the only way she could continue, and manage to be at all relevant to it, was as an alien, unfurrowed, assumed full circle into some paranoia."
Science may be a "profession" but it brings to mind many labor activist issues. Utah Phillips once remarked of the melting pot idea that "The scum rises to the surface while the substance sinks to the bottom." Which certainly appears to be the case in academic research, especially at OSU. With exceptions of course, as always. But I guess I knew that 10 years ago when I bailed out. One of the comments I got indirectly lately was that Kerry is viewed as the real work horse of her entire lab, and the question which will only be answered over time is whether she will rise to the top or burn out, the way a great many postdocs do.
So the misadventures of the year in relation to Kerry did indeed dominate and even define a great part of the year. It may help explain to some why my writings, my personal e-mails and my discussions were what they were. It also caused me to think about a great many things. Painful at many times, yes - but still important nonetheless. We live in a harsh world, often lacking in respect and dignity. I hope in 2003 we can all, collectively, make it a point to respect and encourage others as well as ourselves. And to live our lives with dignity no matter how hard some may try to prevent that or take it from us.
If you've bothered to read this far you can see that it was a long and strange year. And you can understand why I may not have seemed to be my typical self for part of it. I'm not sure that everything related to Kerry is entirely over, but it seems the worst of it must be. And the new year is starting off well as my work moves forward and there are exciting trips are on the horizon. Winters are pretty frantic and summers are pleasant enough, but perhaps by next fall I'll move to a better environment. We'll see. Portland actually has a growing international reputation for its arts scene and its young energetic environment. But there are plenty of other possible places as well, and from Corvallis almost anything would be a step up!
Perhaps any effort to make sense of or bring order to the world around us is inherently futile. But the quest, sometimes called life, continues anyway ... and at least there's never a boring moment!
"She was back where she'd started, and could not believe 24 hours had passed [Make that a year?
Jim Frankenfield.